The Seeds of Patience

Waiting and Longing...
Something i "had" chronically as a child.

Most kids had  freckles, gaps between their two front teeth along with chapped lips that peeled at the edges. I was afflicted with waiting and longing...

 Orphaned by parents who spent most of their waking hours at their country club playing tennis and golf, I waited and longed for their return. This was a seasonless affliction, it had nothing to do with the color of the grass or whether there was snow on the ground. It consumed them, held them like the Temple of Scientology promising purpose and answers but without divine guidance.
 My spirits  lifted when the garage door opened,  its grinding noise signaled they were home.
This was a painful part of my childhood. It felt like a virus that never left. When would my fever break? There was no divine guidance for me, just the pressure of my unrehearsed haf-torah.

  My brothers left for boarding school when I was 12. Much of my early adolescence at home was spent alone with the exception of an occasional weekend and holiday when my brothers returned. I waited and longed for their daily return  hoping something wonderful or dreadful would happen to bring them home to me.
I rode the bus to school alone that year and all the years that followed.
 Waiting and longing became a part of me, as nothing ever changed.

It was a warm Sunday afternoon when I found my way up to my eldest brother, Jon's room. Sometimes I'd sit in on his bed pretending my brothers were in the next room or downstairs, and it would only be a matter of time before they made their way upstairs. I was hosting a social hour without the people. The people never showed, but something else did...

There was a blue linen book on the bookshelf. It was hardcover, I opened it steadily. A jolt of excitement tickled through me.  It was the "Interpretation of Dreams" by Sigmund Freud. Someone was actually writing about dreams and their meaning? How could that be? I had trespassed into my brother's room, and contemplated the potential wrath of reading something I wasn't suppose to.
Needless to say, I read on, and haven't stopped reading, studying and interpreting human emotion to this day.

During my adolescence, Freud and his theories became the purpose and answers to my loneliness. I read whatever I could get my hands on, and  my life began to make sense. I watched Freud devising and revising his epoch-making theories while I was doing the same in my own homegrown way. I not only discovered where I was hurting intrapsychically, but why I was hurting as well.  Freud was haunted by the problems he posed for himself, he brooded over his publications, and quarreled with his disciples: these were challenges that  I could identify with and ultimately apply to my own life.

As a Psychologist today, I realize that all of my patients, like myself, have endured unalterable experiences.
The panic that sometimes fills the space of "waiting and longing" for connection continues even today for me. My hope is that I can mend my patients' understanding and steady ability to recognize why their pain remains and to figure out how best to manage and effectively cope with it.

What came out of the pain of waiting and longing for me was patience, endless patience. Though I recognize and sometimes feel the pinch of those early years, I am grateful  for the ability to wait for what I hope will be.

For those of us who have experienced early childhood pain or trauma, I hope my story helps you.

Gives to Gets

I was recently moved by a memoir that inspired a collection of thoughts that I'd like to share. This memoir  chronicled a young woman's spiritual journey as she traversed a set of circumstances that challenged her rather delicate emotional well being. Sometimes there are those circumstances which are so great that even those of us who might consider ourselves genetically hearty when it comes to emotional fortitude, might cave.And then there are those of us that due to our genetic "constitutions" as my Hungarian grandmother use to say, that feel everything- most strikingly, the ever-present fragility of life- but seem to be able to weather it without others noticing that we are walking around without a leg. The question then remains, how do they do it? How do those of us who struggle with the chronic hum of daily anxiety manage life and find pleasure( sans Xanex) just the same?
One of my colleagues suggests that we must pull- in measures to pull -us back into our center, to our core. Whether its talking to a friend so that we may feel loved back, or finishing a paper so that we can feel accomplished or getting quiet in a yoga pose that reminds of our mothers love, or lighting candles to honor Shabbat, or simply taking a nap which allows self care-We need to cultivate an activity that brings us back to ourselves; that reminds of of who we are. For many who struggle with daily anxiety and addictive behaviors and compulsions these activities often feel impossible. Fraught with isolation from years of shame, many have resorted to hardening their hearts to mitigate the blow of their efforts. Self talk in the form of : "Its useless, or I can't do this,... or why bother it will never stop, i cannot help myself and no one can help me" all contributes to the shutting down of possibility. If we can choose activities or measures that pull us back into our center, change will most definitely follow. This I know for sure.
This being the time of year for reflection and gratitude, why not begin by expressing gratitude to those that we hold dear. Find a new reason for feeling gratitude and express it, find a new activity that bring you closer to your authentic self, and express it.......you might be surprise how much better you already begin to feel!
And thank you, I am most grateful to those of you who have taken a moment to read this- feel free to pass it on. Happy Thanksgiving,
Dr. Jo

"The Cool Lunchtable Phenomenon" and its significance into adulthood

One of my readers suggested that I might want to consider blogging about the movie "Social Network."
I thought about this, mulled it over  for a bit-and thought that it might make for an interesting read....at least i hope so...
So lets consider this film for a moment. A savant-genius, and let me preface, savant because i truly believe many of us possess a certain genius that is specific to our own talents. We dismiss our personal "geni"(plural) as i like to call them, because in relation to someone like Zuckerberg they pale in comparison. Let me begin by saying that the only difference between Zuckerberg's savant genius and yours is that he changed  how we relate to one another, how we network; its application. 500 million users is a huge impact, a measurable impact, and most commendable. Zuckerberg made a huge contribution to the world of communication that has indeed changed the world.
But what about the impact that many of us make on one another perhaps on a smaller more intimate scale?
Are these any less significant?
 Is any one person more or less of a genius because of the size of their impact?
Certainly Zuckerberg thought so. And to what end? He struggled interpersonally, was socially off, few friends and obsessively preoccupied, braiding conversations like tributaries into a single purpose; "The" Facebook.
He clearly  fits the criteria of Aspergers syndrome in the DSM IVTR. Shipping his best friends down the river in pursuit of his monomaniacle dream; repetitive patterns of behavior pursued with great intensity to the exclusion of any other activity.  He even went so far as to post insulting material about his girlfriends breast size for others to read. His impairment in  reciprocal social interactions makes it almost ironic that he became the King of social networking.
And yet, he is the icon of success among America's youth. A Billionaire at age 20 something....??
At the end of the film he is left sitting alone in a board room logging onto Facebook to check the status of his ex-girlfriend- still pining for the one connection that felt meaningful to him.
Thing is, he never got over not  being invited into the "Pheonix" club among the Harvard elite-
and more significantly... he never got the girl.
Today he is left as an adult having suffered from not being seated at the "cool lunch table."

Illusory musings….


“Sometimes the illusion is better than the medicine”…Woody Allen

So it’s been a rather leisurely weekend, a lovely time for reading, exercise and reflection. We therapists by occupation and perhaps also by nature tend to reflect relationally; that is always within the context of a relationship or while watching another’s relationship.

I took in one of many films this weekend, one that has remained with me- “You will meet a tall dark stranger,” written and directed by Woody Allen. In the film, Roy, a married novelist nervously awaits the response to his latest manuscript. Roy becomes fixated over Dia, a mysterious woman who catches his gaze through a nearby window. One cannot help think of Hitchcock’s “Rear Window,” when reminded of this storyline. Despite Roy’s repeated attempts to sell his manuscript to an English publishing house, nothing seems to give until Roy’s irrationality and perilous schemes take shape. In the meantime, Roy literally “looks to” his muse across the courtyard for inspiration. He is consumed by Dia’s beauty, his erotic fantasies and the gentle spanish music that floats from her guitar. Her serenade draws Roy’s attention in and he is besotted by her, can think of nothing else. Roy finally arranges a meeting and they lunch at a nearby café. Their relationship develops and Roy announces to his wife that he will be leaving their unfulfilling marriage. Roy’s wife is actually relieved by this news as she too has been unhappy in their marriage. Roy then moves into Dia’s apartment directly opposite his previous apartment where he and his wife lived. He finds great comfort in the arms of Dia and hopes to glean deeper fulfillment and inspiration in life in his new relationship. In what is a classic Woody Allen moment, Roy finds himself distracted by something outside his window. Low and behold, it is his ex wife undressing in her apartment. How ironic??Roy is captivated by the erotic image in front of him-and suddenly realizes that it is his ex wife that he is captivated over! So …the illusion once again becomes stronger than the medicine or the reality of Roy’s new found “happiness.” He can barely keep away from the window and resorts to slowly lowering the shade, albeit painstakingly.....

Ha! So what do I want to say to my dear readers besides to encourage you to pull your shades down!LOL….Are our illusions both of grandeur and promise greater than their actuality? Can we honestly ask ourselves this question? Has the fantasy of your relational expectations surpassed your reality and if so, then what to do? Can you cultivate what it is you want within the context of your relationship(s) as Roy sadly learned after- the- fact? I don’t really have any answers for you, only a gentle nudge to find out/ explore the possibilities that await all of us if we begin to look through a new and different window….

Musings on the slumber of summer

Musings on the  slumber of summer:

Many of my patients often share that it is difficult for them to "feel motivated" during mid- summer. Projects that were started in the early spring are often left by the wayside, abandoned like a supersize meal in the refrigerator.....hoping to get picked up by the next grazer who casually happens to visit the frig. An unlikely occurance. What happens more often than not is that the "goals" get pushed aside to welcome in the fruits of summer; which frankly they should!
Whats more delicious than a perfectly ripe white peach chilled to perfection??!!

Summer ought to be guilt free and evoke less frustration as it was when we were children.Why not consider this? "To do" lists NEED to take a back shelf to the joy that summer holds. Rather than beat yourself up in not responding to the next item on your agenda, or the list that must be completed, explore what it would be like to simply leave your blackberry indoors and be present to the beauty of sea, mountains, air and human connection. So much of our lives are spent "doing" and "planning" rather than simply "BEING" with those that bring us joy and possibility!

Dear Readers:
This is the first entry of what I hope will be a blog that supports positive mental health and emotional well being. My hope is to offer the reader an opportunity to look and experience life
with a greater sense of understanding so that the choices we make throughout our life are thoughtful and serve our ultimate intentions.
I hope to write weekly entries as well as host youtube video interviews with specialist in the mental health field. Questions and comments are welcomed, so feel free to respond. I look forward to hearing from you.